EVERY WIFE NEEDS TO KNOW THESE FACTS

I’m now in my third marriage. When people learn this fact about me, their reaction is usually pretty awkward. It’s almost as if they’re waiting for me to be embarrassed by my admission. While going through two divorces was some of the most painful times of my life, I’d only feel ashamed if I’d gone through it without being able to say I’ve learned a thing or two. My husband and I had both been through divorce before we married each other, and with that brings a unique perspective into many do’s and don’ts of how to treat your spouse. Don’t get me wrong — our marriage isn’t perfect, but our failures in past relationships have shaped decisions we make about the way we treat each other, and to be honest, I’m glad I went through it. We’ve learned better, so now we do better. And with that, I’d like to offer up my wise marriage tips — from a woman who has triumphed the murky waters of divorce. 1. Respect your husband. Notice how it doesn’t say “Respect your husband if he has earned it”. A man’s greatest need in this world is to be respected, and the person he desires that respect from the most is his wife. The trap that we’ve all been ensnared by is that they only deserve our respect when they earn it. Yes, we want our husbands to make decisions that will ultimately garner our respect, but the truth is that your husband is a human being. A human being who makes mistakes. This is the man that you have chosen to walk alongside you for the rest of your life, and to lead your family and he needs to be respected for that quality alone. Take it from me — when respect is given even when he doesn’t deserve it, it will motivate him to earn it. That doesn’t mean you pretend that his choices are good ones when they aren’t. Things like that still need to be communicated, but you can flesh out your differences with respect. It makes all the difference in the world to him. 2. Guard your heart. The grass is not greener on the other side. Do not believe the lie that with a slimmer figure, a higher salary, a faster car, or a bigger house, you will be a happier woman. The world is full of things and people that will serve as reminders that you don’t have the best of the best, but it’s simply not true. Live the life you’ve been blessed with, and be thankful. I get that we all have struggles, and there are even times when I would love 1,000 more square feet of house to live in, but square feet is not fulfilling — relationships are. Guard your heart from things and people that will try to convince you that your life or your husband is not good enough. There will always be bigger, faster, stronger, or shinier, but you’ll never be satisfied with more until you’re fulfilled with what you have now. 3. God, husband, kids…in that order. I know this isn’t a popular philosophy, especially among mothers, but hear me out. It’s no secret that my faith is of utmost importance, so God comes first in my life no matter what. But regardless of your belief system, your husband should come before your kids. Now unless you’re married to someone who is abusive (in which case, I urge you to seek help beyond what my blog can give you), no man in his right mind would ask you to put your kids aside to serve his every need while neglecting them. That’s not what this means. When you board an airplane, the flight attendants are required to go over emergency preparedness prior to takeoff. When explaining the part about how to operate the oxygen mask, passengers are instructed to first put the mask on themselves before putting it on their small child. Is that because they think you are more important than your kids? Absolutely not. But you cannot effectively help your child if you can’t breathe yourself. The same holds true with marriage and parenting. You cannot effectively parent your children if your marriage is falling apart. Take it from me — I tried. There will also come a time when your kids will leave the house to pursue their dreams as adults. If you have not cultivated a lasting relationship with your spouse, you will have both empty nests and empty hearts. 4. Forgive. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you make forgiveness a habit — for everything from major mistakes to little annoyances (every day, I have to forgive my husband for leaving the wet towel on the bathroom counter) — you will keep resentment from growing. 5. Over-communicate. I used to have a bad habit of not speaking my feelings. I played the standard “You should know why I’m mad” game, and that’s just downright unfair. Men are not wired like women, and they don’t always know that they’ve been insensitive. I’m still growing in this area, and there are often times when my husband has to pry something out of me, but I’m trying to remember that I need to just communicate how I feel. 6. Schedule a regular date night. This one isn’t new, but it’s very important. Never stop dating your spouse. Even if you can’t afford dinner and a movie (which we seldom can), spending some regular one-on-one time with your spouse is essential. Don’t talk about bills, or schedules, or the kids. Frankie and I often daydream about our future, or plan our dream vacation. We connect emotionally and often learn something new about each other – even after four years. 7. Never say the “D Word”. If you’re gonna say it, you better mean it. Plain and simple, threatening divorce is not fighting fair. I did this a lot in my previous marriages. I’m not proud of it, but I learned better. I was hurting deeply, and I wanted to hurt back, but it never helped me feel better. 8. Learn his love language. Everyone has a love language. The way you perceive love is often different from the way your spouse perceives love. Does he like words of affirmation, or does he respond better when you give him gifts? Whatever his love language is – learn it and use it. 9. Never talk negatively about him. I learned this lesson the hard way too. If you’re going through a difficult time in your marriage and you need advice, see a counselor. Family counseling is a great tool, but try to remember that your family members and friends are not the most objective people to give advice. The argument they are hearing is one-sided and they often build up negative feelings toward your spouse, which usually doesn’t subside once you and your husband have gotten past it. Protect his image with those that you’re close with and seek help from those that can actually be objective. News flash, ladies – your mother cannot be objective! 10. Choose to love. There are times in a marriage that you may wake up and not feel in love anymore. Choose to love anyway. There are times when you may not be attracted to your husband anymore. Choose to love anyway. Marriage is a commitment. In sickness and health, in good times and in bad. Those vows are sacred. They don’t say “if you have bad times”. They say “in good times and in bad”, implying that there will be bad times. It’s inevitable. So choose to love anyway. He’s worth it Culled....

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My Philanthropic Spending....

Here is what Aliko Dangote has to say I am going to try my best and give part of that money to charity. I am working hard on it… I think from this year, I personally want to take it (philanthropy) very seriously. I want to be much more aggressive than what we have had in the past. I have spent N30 billion ($185 million) in two years on philanthropic and humanitarian activities. . We already have a foundation which will do all these things (charities), but I am trying to see what we can do to encourage not only Nigerians but other Africans and the World as a whole... When I grow up, I wanna be like you and more...

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Turning the worst times into the best times

As i see the Naira free falling to its current level of N400 to a $1 so many questions permeate my mind, key amongst them is "how will we survive", what does the average Nigerian who does not directly influence monetary policy do about the falling Naira. These are my thoughts: 1. We need to face our new reality head on. To the new graduate, the chances of finding a secured job just got a lot worse, they were bad before but now they are infinitely worse. We all can`t be bag makers or tailors and you can't wait to finish school before starting out. Wherever you are, regardless of what you may or may not have, start something. To the loyal worker, there is a real chance that you will loose your job, companies who are afraid of rapid price increases in their products will cut costs to save on OPEX. In a best case scenario you may not get a salary increase, in a more realistic scenario you may lose your job. 2. This is not the time for unnecessary spending nor is it the time to save like crazy. If you save and consumer spending reduces in an economy with very little Oil income, the value of your savings will steadily but surely depreciate, unless of course you are saving in dollars. Your best option would be to convert part of your income to investments in the non-oil sector of the economy. 3. In times like these we need to go back to our roots, we need to stop being nostalgic about the groundnut pyramids and cocoa farms and go get them back. Companies tired of currency fluctuations will be in search of local alternatives, why not change from being just an employee to an investor in those areas. We have spent far too long as a nation in a consuming mindset, we badly need to start producing. We may not have money for big factories but we can innovate, borrow smaller, faster and more cost effective solutions and deploy them. 4. keep your eyes open for opportunities, it could mean the difference between poverty and financial success. Gone are the days when a tush job meant that you didn't need to use your head. Nigeria has so many problems and we can't all just focus on opening grocery stores, we need to start finding real solutions to the problems we have. We need to innovate locally and not just copy what we see in other climes. Remember that all the money we are going to borrow to fund this years national budget will still have to be paid back. Innovating locally means using local raw materials, using a mixture of technology and local understanding, it means community versus individual solutions. 5. We need to start running in packs. Our biggest issue is a complete lack of trust for each other. Decades of tribalism and this belief that everyone is out to destroy the other person has created an endemic lack of trust. The challenge is that no one wins when everyone is fighting. least of all the country that we have. Somehow we have to move past this and start building together. Even as i write this my mind asks me if this is not being utopian, but one must call a dog by its name. A country that fights its self can never prevail against any common enemy. 6. You need to get off the blame train and start thinking. Other countries have had it a lot worse. The tipping point always came when an idea was found that everyone could believe in. We can`t wait for our leaders to solve all our problems or get the Naira back. Everyone needs to contribute in their own way, everyone. 7. We need to fall in love with out nation again and let national pride be the fuel that motivates us to build her. It gets so tiring to see how easily the rich bolt at the smallest signs of trouble and how the poor go to extreme lengths to get out of this nation. How will we ever grow if the best of us continue to help build other nations and forget our own. Pride, Greed, the love of money and all things glamorous are the reasons we are where we are today. If this great ship is to change direction, real change is needed in the people too, not just the government or an election mantra. 8. Accountability starts from each of us, including the author of this article. We have no right to ask anyone not to steal $5 billion when we are fine to steal NGN 100. Culled thoughts

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